Memorial Day Weekend. . .

was spent at the lake!

Cousins

Matthew's first boat ride

End of the year at Covenant Preschool

Miss Constance with John

Miss Charlene with John

Miss Jenny with Will

We have had a GREAT year at CPP. I have loved all of the teachers for Will and John. And they have both seemed to thrive in their classes and really enjoyed going to school. Thank you Miss Charlene, Miss Constance, and Miss Jenny!

Go Blue Wave!

 Alivia made the swim team this year! Our first swim meet was this past Saturday. It was quite an event. Alivia was supposed to swim in 3 races, but the first race (a relay) was not done because the first swimmer was disqualified due to a tantrum and refusing to continue swimming. :-) The next two races were freestyle and backstroke and Alivia did great. OK, so she wasn't the fastest, but she has really gained so much confidence with swimming. I look forward to watching her hone her skills this summer.

The sign in our yard for our Blue Wave star!

The kids each have their name and the races they are swimming put on their back

Hanging out in the "6 and Under" girl's tent

Last words of encouragement from Coach Sandy

READY. .  .GO!

Words of encouragement from Coach Huttie (she's a legend around the BW Pool)

Perfect form for the backstroke!

This is how I feel about motherhood!

Don't Carpe Diem by Glennon Melton

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."
At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."

That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No, but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here's what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.

Kindergarten Graduate!

What can I say about this year? It has been hard, challenging, rewarding, exhausting, and sweet. Veritas has gone through some growing pains during this year that has overflowed into our experience as well. For starters, they fired Alivia's initial (and beloved) kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Foulkrod very suddenly two days before Matthew was born. We have never really been given a reason except for "professional differences." Her new teacher, Mrs. Gaither. . . . sigh. . . let's just say she was not the most charismatic woman in the world, but thankfully Alivia seemed to like her.

In the end, God has been faithfully showing me several things about this year:
1) It is not about me and never will be
2) I am to rely on HIM for all things - even my child's education
3) Just because something is hard, does not mean it is not the right thing to do

Matt and I have been on our knees in prayer about next year and have decided to forge ahead and return to Veritas. But for now, let's celebrate our kindergarten GRADUATE!

Alivia's new teacher, Mrs. Gaither gave each child a stone with an admirable quality about them. Alivia's was PERSEVERANCE. And boy, has she shown that this year. She works SO hard and wants to do it perfectly every time.

I have loved getting to know my little girl through our sweet time together this year. I am so proud of you Alivia!

There were 10 kids in her class - 6 boys and 4 girls

Receiving her "perseverance" stone from Mrs. Gaither

The kids spelled out kindergarten with cute things about the year

Last day of school with Mrs. Gaither

Mother's Day 2012

We spent most of the weekend out at the lake for Mother's Day with the rest of the Austin Taylor Clan. It was wonderful to finally be out there and made us all look forward to many fun weekends out there this summer.

Matt gave me a sweet card and some candy. And all the kids had made something precious at school that they were beyond excited to show me. Another wonderful gift was getting to sleep in until 10:45 am. Yes, you read that right! When I realized what time it was I jumped out of bed and ran outside expecting to see my family in complete disarray, the kids wandering around naked and having gone without food for hours. HA! But Matt had it all under control (like he always does). Thank you Matt for taking such good care of me.

3 1/2 months old

John's 2 year stats

Height: 34.5 inches (50%)

Weight: 29 lbs (60%)

We saw Dr. Dawson a few weeks ago for John's 2 year well child check. Everything looked great. He got a few shots without too many tears. My only concern about John is his propensity to get laryngeal croup with every sniffle and URI that comes around. Dr. Dawson agreed to let me use nebulized steroids with albuterol when he begins to have that barky cough and continuing for a few days/weeks after the cough resolves. We will resort to oral steroids as a last resort.